FORUMS FORUM RSSrss icon

coping with the grief

Forum Jump

View Unanswered Threads
Author Message
alimcden
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: coping with the grief
3 weeks ago I lost my husband of 22 years. He had myelodysplasia (bone marrow cancer) and had just had a positive bone marrow donor confirmed when he contracted an infection which turned into pneumonia. He was only 47. Myself and our two teenage children are heartbroken and currently dreading the thought of Christmas. Since we have been married we have always had a houseful on Christmas day for dinner. Obviously this would be far too painful this year and we are agonising over what we should do - go away somewhere completely different or just stay at home on our own. Wherever we are we are not going to get away from our loss, but would appreciate any suggestions from anyone who has been through something similar
bideshiuk
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
Oh dear! You poor, poor thing.

You must be absolutely prostrate and the whole Christmas jollity thing must be a real struggle to comprehend. It always seems so odd that life should be going on as normal when our lives seem to be falling apart.

But you also sound as if you're making a real effort to work through this appalling time in the best possible way. I can't really give you an answer. I think that I would want to be somewhere neutral, preferably somewhere where all the frenetic jollity of Christmas does not intrude. And somewhere where I could be quiet so that we could talk if we needed to, or not, if we don't want to.

You've got such a long hard road ahead of you. I'm sure you'll get posts from people who have a much more similar experience to yours, but I wanted to put something here so you do feel there's someone out here.

I am so sorry....

You'll be in my thoughts

Bideshi
ipitombi
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
Dear Ali, I really feel for you and your family at this sad time. It is never easy to lose a loved one but this time of year always makes it harder to deal with. I can't give you any advice either but I am hoping all those friends you entertained will be supportive of whatever you decide is best for you and your children at this time, and will be there to help in the coming months. My mother died of the same disease although she was 89 at the time, but I had never heard of it before. I am so sorry for you loss and pray you find the strength to get through this awful time.

Ipi
bertiebearuk
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
Dear Ali, Life is just too cruel sometimes; nothing prepares us for it, and we are left to cope as best we can, floundering in the dark. I think that wherever you spend Christmas, you will take your husband with you. It will be six weeks further down the line, remember; and you may well be feeling a little stronger by then. The difficulty is that if you want to go away you will have to book things well in advance - just when you least want to face it.

Perhaps this year you could stay at home, just the three of you, but make sure that you get out into the fresh air together so that you aren't stuck inside the same four walls. Your children may want to spend some time with their friends, too, which would do them good.

Whatever you decide, I hope you manage to find some peace.

All best wishes, BB.

www.fromthetopofthehouse.blogspot.fr
http://wordsunderoneroof.wordpress.com/
Deleted User
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
I was a teenager when my father died on New Years Eve. He had cancer and his last Christmas was to ill to join in so this time of year is hard. You have a huge new life to get used to and you will do so in your own time. I am glad that your family are around as I hope you can get great comfort from each other. I found it hard to make decisions one minute I could face things, the next I wanted to hide under the duvet. This makes Christmas harder as you have to plan now for how you may feel in 6 weeks time. Even if you do go away your memories will be with you and you may wish for your familiar surrondings only you know what is best for you.

Christmas will come and go and over time you will be able to remember things that stop making you cry but make you laugh and feel better.

Be gentle with yourself, do anything that makes you feel at peace and let others help you.

Maybe keep an open mind about Christmas don't make plans yet or allow yourself to change your mind.

I hope nothing I have said has upset you I wish I could really help to make things easier for you.

You never forget but it does get easier I promise.
alimcden
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
Thank you all for your kindness and taking the time to reply. I have taken on board lots of your comments and suggestions. We are still very much undecided as to what we should do, but we are lucky to have a very supportive family around us. It's just so difficult to come to terms with the fact that the one who was always the life and soul of any gathering is the very one who'll be missing. Thanks again for your time.
Rugbyfanuk
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
[Dear Ali,

I lost my husband after 23 years of marriage when he literally dropped dead from a heart attack, at the ripe old age of 44. Our children were then 18 and 19 and like you I didn't know what to do for the first Christmas without him, even though this was nearly a year after he died. He died in early January. I thought about a train trip across the Canadian Rockies with my children, but then thought if we can't handle it we are a long way from any support, in the end I talked about it with the kids and we decided to try and have as normal a Christmas as possible with family and friends and then if we felt miserable or broke down, at least we didn't have to explain anything. It sounds as though you should be able to talk to your children about it, they probably won't want to know as it is still so soon for you, but at least you will talk about it and I found talking the best thing to do. My work colleagues were very careful about mentioning my husband when I went back to work, but in the end I got fed up with everyone treading on eggshells so I kept mentioning him and in the end they were ok with it ( and they were a bunch of nurses!) I really hope you and your family find a way around this and that you manage to survive the Christmas season.I hope this helps and that we can have another chat soon. Thinking of you. Love Rugbyfan

QUOTE]3 weeks ago I lost my husband of 22 years. He had myelodysplasia (bone marrow cancer) and had just had a positive bone marrow donor confirmed when he contracted an infection which turned into pneumonia. He was only 47. Myself and our two teenage children are heartbroken and currently dreading the thought of Christmas. Since we have been married we have always had a houseful on Christmas day for dinner. Obviously this would be far too painful this year and we are agonising over what we should do - go away somewhere completely different or just stay at home on our own. Wherever we are we are not going to get away from our loss, but would appreciate any suggestions from anyone who has been through something similar
Posted by alimcden[/quote]
Belinda12uk
Send message
REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: Re: coping with the grief
Dear Ali

My husband died in May after Non Hodgekins Lymphoma. He was diagnosed with it at the beginning of Dec last year so in some ways I think last Christmas was probably worse than I think this one will be as we knew it was his last Christmas. We had been married 27 years. I have decided to stay at home for Christmas as I think it will be best to try to be as normal as possible and surrounded by familiar things. I don't have any close family as we never had children. I have put up a tree for myself and a few decorations. I will go to my sister who is nearby for Christmas day and wil be with her family and they will come to me on Boxing day. That is what we did last year and I think it best not to make too many changes as the biggest change of all is forced on you when you have a loss such as ours.

I hope you find a solution for your Christmas. Perhaps we can keep in touch through the Forum to see how things go.

All the best at this difficult time

Belinda12

Back to top
Who's online?

Chippeee |  Ladynett

Join us here...

Click on a magazine title to see all its online features and news
Prima
Stain buster Our guide to removing smudges, spots, and other spills.
See more stain busting solutions >

Community

Directory View all offers

MORE FROM ALLABOUTYOU

View by magazine : View by magazine Prima