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Husband has died how do you cope?

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Drummerswife
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Subject: Husband has died how do you cope?
How do you cope when your husband dies. My husband died at home on Tuesday evening. I have been fine so far even though it's only a couple of days. Now I am looking at the financial implications of it all and am having difficulty coping. I have already been advised that maybe I should sell the house. Unfortunately he did not have any life insurance and we have a mortgage. I am afraid that they may withdraw the mortgage money. I think I can afford to pay it. it is a very traumatic and worrying time coping with his death and now the financial worries.
moleuk2
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So very sorry to hear your news, Drummerswife, I can only imagine what you're going through.I do hope you have some good friends nearby - use them and don't feel that you're be a bother to them - most of us just don't know what to do in a situation like this and just wish we had a magic wand to make it all better.

Having to worry about financial matters is really the last thing you need just now - do you have a good financial advisor? I hope so. On a small scale - if you're now the only adult in your property won't you get a reduction in your Council Tax? You would in Scotland - and perhaps help with paying the bill (it's means tested so depends on your savings and such like) you can check this out with your council.

Will be thinking of you

Caro_M
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Dear Drummerswife, I'm so, so sorry for your dreadful loss. Allow yourself a little time for the enormity of what has happened to sink in before you make any major decisions, financial or otherwise. Do you have any supportive family? If not, make use of friends who offer to help-they mean it. There are not many of them about these days, but do you have a friendly bank manager? I do, and she was an enormous help when my son died unexpectedly a few years ago. However much you love your present home, it may bring you financial peace of mind to move, or you may decide to stay there and budget accordingly. The important thing is get professional advice- and make NO hasty decisions until you can see the way forward a little more clearly. Your grief and shock is still raw. I do wish you well. Let us know how you get on.
bideshiuk
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The Citizen's Advice Bureau is always helpful too. But do give yourself some breathing space too. You're going through a terrible time, and perhaps are not in the best emotion state to take major decisions. Don't let anyone hassle you financially. Plead you recent widowhood to buy time until you can see exactly what's going on. Take it one step at a time. Try not to panic. Be very kind to yourself.
Supergirl_One
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Drummerswife, please accept my heartfelt and deepest condolences, a difficult event at any time and this is certainly not the best time of year. Firstly, take a very long and deep breath, I don't feel any need to make immediate decisions and it certainly wouldn't be wise to do so. Perhaps some practical help is needed here to help with making your next steps. You don't mention any children, do you have any and are they adult age? If so their support will be valuable. What about your hubby's side of the family, anyone there you can call upon for support? As for the house there may not be any need to change anything but if you have not already done so I would contact your mortgage provider as soon as possible to advise them of your circumstances, at least you're being reasonable and they can probably help you with making important financial decisions.

I've trawled through the web for some useful points of contact. You've already got the suggestion of visiting your local Citizens Advice Bureau, I would follow that up as soon as you feel able to as they will be very sympathetic and helpful.

You don't mention your age but there is a service for younger widows - The Way Foundation - link for their website is: http://www.wayfoundation.org.uk/

Another service is this one: http://www.nawidows.org.uk/

CRUSE are a voluntary organisation to help with bereavement, I found them very helpful when my brother died and they can support practically and emotionally. Check your telephone directory for a local group, they work on a voluntary basis so you may need to leave a message for a call back. Link to their website is: http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

And there is always the Samaritans for a confidential chat at any time when you need a friendly voice to speak to.

I sincerely wish you the very best with the way forward, please let us know how you are getting on, don't feel you need to make any decisions alone and there is always someone on this forum who is happy to chat. xx
moleuk2
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Hi Drummerswife, just a quick note to see how you're doing and let you know you're not forgotten.

take care

Drummerswife
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Thank you all for your good wishes and help. Now that everywhere has opened again after the holidays I have managed to speak to the solicitor who has given advice. I can't really do anything until I register my husband's death which I can do tomorrow. I am not going to rush to do anything yet. The funeral is not until the 20th January. I have never been much for friends; we were very much a couple. However he was a musician and all these musicians have been phoning, wives as well and have been a source of comfort. I am taking each day as it comes. As I am self employed I have started to work again, albeit a little a day. My husband had a daughter who is an adult but is very much dealing with her own grief. I'm off to the funeral directors tomorrow to make some arrangements. It feels better to be doing things.
Supergirl_One
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Drummerswife, thank you so much for the update. I totally empathise with taking one day at a time, sounds eminently sensible to me. And I'm glad to also hear about the comfort from the wives. In terms of your husband's daughter - if you feel comfortable - you may wish to ask her to help you with some more simple tasks related to the bereavement or see if she'd like to keep you company when doing various things. I completely agree she has her own issues to deal with, however when my brother died I found I coped a little better when sharing the load with my mother. Some things only she could do but the burden seemed easier when the load was spread out a little. You're best placed to make that decision ... xx
MarthaMayuk
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Dear drummerswife

I too am a drummer's wife so feel for you greatly. Musicians and their families and friends can be very supportive as it is a precarious business to be in and we have all had our financial ups and downs.

Focus on the funeral for now. I have sadly attended a few musician friends' funerals but you will find much joy there too, among the tears, as people remember your husband and the good times you all had in the past.

And talk to him! My mum used to keep a photo of my dad on the notice board in the kitchen after he died and would tell him (his picture) things that had happened in the day, or tell him, if things had gone wrong, that it was all his fault! It really helped her.

Look out for your step-daughter too. I hope you had a good relationship with her. Be sure to include her in any decisions you make regarding his kit. But do keep his drumsticks.

Take care petal.
Drummerswife
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Granny D

Thank you for your kind words along with everyone who has replied. I have given him his favourite drumsticks to go with him but before he died he asked me to keep his some of his drums especially his cymbals. I got to see him today for the first time at the funeral directors. He looked so smart. I sat with him for a long time talking to him.

I have found this week very diffcult especially coming home from work. Maybe it will be better after the funeral.

Drummerswife
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