The guilty party

Is guilt something that only women feel? And is there a way to minimise its effects? By Anthea Rowan

I have felt guilty about many things: buying clothes I never wear, shoes I cannot walk in, books I never read.

Becoming a mother opened up a whole new range of opportunities to feel guilty: I have felt remorseful about polishing off the children's leftovers (when I ought to feel saintly having saved the waste); I felt have felt guilty when I have put my youngest to bed without reading her a story (because I felt obliged to have 'us' time with my husband) and I have guilt about thinking about what I have to do tomorrow instead of concentrating on sex.

 

It's not just me

I'm not alone. I canvassed women globally and posed my 'women are more prone to guilt' theory to psychologists across a broad geographical spread. And I discovered that women – and especially mothers – are past-masters at taking guilt to a new level.

Belinda, mother of two, lists the following as 'the most common causes of guilt in my everyday life': 'Food… losing my temper with the children… who I am always too busy to spend time with.... not exercising enough.... having old parents that need caring for… not earning my own money but always spending my husband's… not being more adventurous in bed, not doing anything for those less fortunate than myself.'

 

Guilt with good reason?

Psychiatrist Professor Patricia Casey rationalises a lot of the guilt Belinda feels: 'Women's traditional roles as homemakers have changed and as a result they have been set up to question the impact this has on their nearest and dearest. After all, nurturing is a part of the female persona and attendant guilt probably healthy.'

Professor Casey is – thankfully – dismissive of the guilt about food as being ''purely culturally engendered by the current views on shape and size'.

 

Nah – just part of our multi-tasking makeup

Australian psychologist Heather Gridley agrees with Casey that women's multifaceted role propagates guilt. 'Women are invited throughout their lives to take responsibility for everyone and everything (men's sexual desire, childrearing, success of relationships) whilst there is evidence that males are more likely to blame external factors for their failures, and take personal credit for their successes'.

 

Do men take guilt trips?

Kathleen Cox, a registered British psychologist agrees that men are much less vulnerable to feelings of guilt than women. 'My own view is that men do not do guilt. This is an over simplification but they seem to do more blaming.'

She agrees with Casey and Gridley that as multi-taskers women 'take on many roles and responsibilities and are acutely aware of what more they could have done and the perceived failure to do the impossible is experienced as guilt.'

Another BPS registered Psychologist, Professor Wendy Hollway says, 'Men repress more and deflect stuff out, away from themselves. Women take on the feelings of others and can identify more easily with the hurt they might be causing.'

 

Nope…

When I asked my own husband whether he ever felt guilty he looked blank. And then said, emphatically, 'no'. 'What about when you forget my birthday?'. He looked a little shifty then (because he did). 'I felt a bit bad', he admitted. 'Why?' I prodded, hoping he'd say, 'because you're the most important person in my life and I am very lucky to have you and you have never, ever forgotten my birthday in the 20 years we have been together'. But he didn't say that. He said 'because I was worried you'd be upset and I'd get into trouble.'

 

Guilt is good for you… but the right kind

Can guilt, which for some people accompanies feelings of low self-esteem, ever be good for you? Absolutely, writes mental health professional Robert O'Connor in his piece on the Positive Aspects of Guilt: 'Guilt, when applied to behaviour, is the little alarm system that tells us when we are not living up to our own standards… Guilt is what we feel when we have let ourselves down. Without it, we would be in an amoral world in which everyone could act on the impulse of the moment. Guilt, not agriculture or the wheel, may be the foundation of civilisation.'

Dr Roy Baumeister at the Florida State University agrees that guilt can be a valuable social 'glue'. But he also confirms what I think I already know, that not only do women feel more guilt than men do, but that men 'respond more to the fear of getting caught'!