Are you too dependent?

We all know the saying that everybody needs somebody. But are you over-dependent? By Zoe Grainge

There's nothing wrong with being reliant on someone else, and most women will find that their level of dependence on a partner, or other important relationships, varies throughout their lives. But for some women, 'the need to need' can get out of control. The results can be detrimental on both the woman and her relationships.

Unhealthy dependency can occur in a variety of circumstances. It could be that a woman is financially dependent on her partner. But according to Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist from internet-based advisory service www.relationshipsspecialists.com, the most problematic form of unhealthy dependency is when you are dependent on your partner for your sense of self worth and identity.

'Your happiness and wellbeing shouldn't be dependent on someone else,' she says. 'If you're in love, there will always be a degree of emotional dependency, but ideally it's going both ways.' Hall says it's important to distinguish between this kind of reliance and abusive relationships, which are often nothing to do with dependency. She explains: 'Overly dependent women tend to have low self-esteem or low confidence. It could be that you've gone through a particularly difficult time leaving you more likely to become vulnerable.'

 

Home alone

For Hannah, a 38-year-old housewife, it was a difficult time moving with her husband from the Middle East to the UK. Hannah's husband had a high-powered job and she was at home all day by herself. 'I felt as though I had lost everything and didn't feel part of life here,' she says. 'I used to think about my home country in an idyllic way, although it wasn't at all.'Her husband's job took him away from home a lot, and whenever he left, Hannah was desperate. 'It was like I was throwing temper tantrums,' she says. 'I felt like my world was ending whenever he left.'

Hannah says despite her husband's assurances, she felt unloved and unloveable. She found it hard to make friends and felt afraid of what others thought of her. Finally, Hannah sought therapy, and discovered that her relationship with her mother played a vital role in her dependent nature. 'I grew up thinking my mother was domineering and constantly put down my father,' she says. 'I didn't want to end up like her. I was scared to be assertive because I thought it would mean I was like her. As a result, I became too needy.'

 

Mothers and daughters
Susanna Abse, director of The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, says women who are close to their mothers can find dependency in marriage difficult to manage. 'They go straight from their primary relationship into their second one with their partners and expect too much from it,' she says. 'Most men don't behave like mothers.'

Dependency of this nature can be resolved without separating, but Abse says partners can often be unwitting collaborators. 'The issue of 'co-dependency' is when the person you're with is dependent on your being dependent on them. This is a tricky one, as established patterns of behaviour can take some time to change. Partners in this situation can become quite used to being in control. Alternatively, they can feel suffocated.' Abse explains that although some women react to a fear of helplessness in a relationship by becoming overly dependent, just as many react by being too independent.

 

'Grow up'
'We are very down on dependency as a culture,' she says. 'You're seen as a failure if you're too dependent. Some women associate dependency with being in an infant-like state.' For Louise, a 32-year-old writer, the problem was a fear of losing her much-prized independence in her relationship with her partner.

'I am very self-sufficient,' she says. 'I have a career and a social life and I don't want my wings clipped.' Louise says that her partner of eight years is very understanding of her desire for separate-ness, but it wasn't always this way.

'We used to have blazing rows after I'd arrange to see friends without telling him, and basically act as if I was still single. But over time we've adjusted to accommodate each other's needs,' she says. Abse says getting the balance of dependency right is a hard task. 'A lot of people are either enmeshed in a relationship where they cling to each other desperately, or they deny dependence and live separate lives. It's important to acknowledge that what you need is a bit of each. People should understand that needing someone is not the same as being needy.'