Have the confidence to say ‘NO!’

Put yourself first

It’s Saturday afternoon and you’ve kindly agreed to baby-sit your two nephews for your divorcé brother. Then he phones to say his Christmas shopping trip is taking longer than expected, which leaves you with the responsibility for looking after both your children and his, while trying to prepare for your parents’ imminent Christmas visit. You want to scream. But, in a bid to keep the peace, you bite your tongue and say “fine”.

• What the experts say… Situations like this occur because, biologically, women are hard wired to be nice, reveals psychologist Dr Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain (Bantam Press, £10.99). She explains, “Our ‘cavewoman brain’ makes us sensitive to the emotions of others. And because the part of the brain that creates anxiety, the anterior cingulate cortex, is larger in women than in men, we are more fearful of the consequences of anger and quick to think of ways to avoid it. Conversely, communicating intimately provides a rush of the feel-good chemical dopamine, so we invest heavily in emotional connections. Once you understand these Stone Age instincts, you can start to override them and prioritise your needs.” 

• Say ‘No’ now “Women are hopeless at saying they need help,” says life coach Liz Tucker (behappybehealthy.co.uk). “We take on everyone else’s jobs, without a word – but resentment builds. In this situation, ask him to please come home now, that you’ve run out of time. Try suggesting that he postpone his shopping trip and instead takes his father along with him when he arrives! The most important thing is that you keep your voice light and even, and be pleasant. Men respond to orders and direction and, chances are, if you ask for his help in a non-confrontational way, he will oblige.”

To avoid scenarios like this in the future, decide exactly how long you are prepared to have his children for – and explain that you are delighted to help but have other commitments, and that his return is a firm deadline.