Talking about marriage breakdown

How do you tell the children that Mummy and Daddy are splitting up? Here's our expert advice, in association with Parentline Plus

My husband and I are not getting along and have decided to try a trial separation. How should we broach the subject to our five and nine-year old children?

 

Thousands of children experience the break up of their families every year and separation and divorce can prove extremely hurtful and painful for everyone involved.

 

However, rather than being inevitable, the traumas and difficulties families experience are more a result of the way we approach and manage family breakdown than the disintegration itself - it's not that you separate that is the most important thing but how.

 

You're bound to be feeling upset and confused and it's easy to let anger or guilt get in the way. It may help to talk it through with someone who can be understanding and who will keep a clear head such as a friend, mediator or counsellor.

 

In fact, the earlier you ask for help, the better you and your children will manage the difficult task of family change. As well as family and friends, schools and GPs can also offer support and help if they know what is happening.

 

Be honest with your children about what is happening and going to happen. Trying to hide conflict or the fact of separation doesn't protect them. It may cause suspicion and drive children away as they become convinced that their parents lie and aren't to be trusted.

 

Try to balance honesty with being appropriate. Don't give your children details that are better kept between adults. Children are stressed and emotionally harmed by being asked to take sides between parents.

 

Your children may feel angry or out of control but are often only able to show their feelings by 'acting out.' Talking and acknowledging the difficulties, giving them time and attention and recognising when they get it right can help.

 

Children often blame themselves for family break up, thinking their behaviour or personality was the reason a parent left. Reassure your children that it was none of their doing and that their relationship with both parents should remain intact. Children may also blame one or other parent, a sibling or stepparent for the break up. They may need help to talk through and work out such feelings.

 

You'll both need to agree on the following points such as when and where your children will visit, how the parent living apart can stay in touch in between visits and how you are going to settle any disputes in future so it won't affect your children.

 

Once you are able to put your personal disagreements aside, you will be able to address more practical issues such as your children's routine and visits.

 

However painful, try to keep talking and negotiating with your ex. You will be teaching your children important life survival skills if you can manage this.

 

It is unrealistic to think that disagreements won't continue but the way they are approached can make a difference to the way that your children experience the break-up

 

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