Dating for grown-ups

Lots of things get easier as we get older. But when it comes to finding love, there are few situations more terrifying than the dating scene. At least you are not alone: over-40 daters are out there in their multitudes. If you’re one of them, let our experts help you navigate your way through...

Our experts

Jenni Trent-Hughes is a relationship expert and author of The Greatest Relationship And Dating Tips In The World (The Greatest in the World Limited, £6.99)

 

Lara Owen, a psychotherapist, is the author of Love Begins At 40: A Guide To Starting Over, co-written with Cherry Gilchrist (Hay House, £9.99)

 

Jane de Teliga is the fashion director of Good Housekeeping. She's styled many famous faces - and real people.

 

How to find a date

Lara: The first place to look is among your circle of acquaintances. Is there anyone who might be suitable who you haven't had the opportunity or the courage to ask out? Remember, women no longer have to wait for men to ask them out.

 

If there's no one in your life you could imagine dating, the next step is the internet. You can start the process from home - it's relatively cheap, you can control the pace through email and get to know a bit about someone before meeting.

 

The disadvantage is that people don't always tell the truth online. It's easy to project your dream partner on to a profile and waste time on fantasies that are dashed when you finally meet.

 

There are also newspaper ads with phone messages where you can hear the person's voice and leave a reply. This speeds things up, but the downside is that you don't have as much information and you haven't seen a photo. Ask your date to send a photo via email before arranging a meeting (you can set up a separate email account if you don't want them to know your usual one).

 

If you're shy and find the whole idea of dating terrifying, then an introduction agency might be better. If they're good, the agent will hold your hand, find people you have plenty in common with and set up dates. It's expensive, but can save you a lot of time and effort.

 

Deciding who to date

Jenni: It's a good idea to think about what qualities you'd like in someone - and what you'd find unacceptable. This doesn't mean the superficialities (yes to nice eyebrows, no to grey shoes) but the personality and behavioural traits - yes to a brilliant sense of humour; no to someone who wants to give up his job and become an Elvis-impersonator (unless, of course, that's your thing). Once you've decided that the person seems to fit more or less within the guidelines you've set, it's time to move the situation on.

 

Meeting up

Jenni: If possible, make your first meeting in the daytime. Tell a friend where you're going and ask them to call you at the beginning of the date so you can let them know all is well. It's a good idea to make it somewhere you're known - your favourite coffee shop is always good. Never, ever, meet at your house or his. 

 

What to wear on a first date

Jane: As a guide to looking good:

1  Keep it simple. It's nerve wracking enough being on a first date without worrying about wardrobe malfunctions like straps falling off your shoulders, your bra showing or skirts riding up. So keep your clothes easy, comfortable and confidence boosting.

 

2  Don't scare the horses. Men are not known for their love of directional fashion - hence their universal dislike of Sex And The City's Sarah Jessica Parker. So steer clear of strong fashion statements, big bright prints or weird shoe styles. And leave your daughter's clothes in her wardrobe. Some discreet décolletage is sure to be alluring and so is revealing a shapely leg (keep the skirt knee length). Don't go as far as opting for plunging necklines or short skirts - you risk looking either tarty or ‘trying too hard'. And don't obsess about your weight - men (unlike women) actually seem to prefer curves.

 

3 Nothing beats a dress. A good dress is a life saver - just put it on and you're ready. A pretty colour that works with your skin tone is always a winner. Try a wrap dress - a style that's flattering for every body type. Slip a camisole underneath (not a safety pin) if the neckline is a bit low. Then just add a chic heel and a touch of jewellery.

 

4  Avoid warpaint. Go easy on the make-up and keep the look fresh and pretty. Think natural rosy glow rather than sparkle. And don't forget to update your make-up - we often cling to the same look for years. If it's been a while, products will have changed a lot since you last went on a first date, so seek advice from your nearest make-up counter.

 

5  Be happy. Wearing a smile is the best way to look beautiful. Once there, forget about your clothes, relax and have fun.

 

What to talk about

Jenni: No talking or asking about exes until at least the third date - then limit the discussion to one question or statement. The temptation is to interrogate but, remember, it isn't a job interview. Just concentrate on having a good time.

 

Reading the signs

Lara: How do you know if he likes you? How do you feel? Allow time for impressions to sink in. Ask yourself after the date: was there a connection? Did you have a moment of deep eye contact? Did you find yourself laughing, feeling happy for no apparent reason? Do you want to get to know this person better?

 

If you do, the chances are that they do, too. So speak up - if you feel there was a real connection and they haven't contacted you yet, be brave! Call and say, ‘I had a nice time - do you fancy meeting again?' If they sound reluctant to get involved, move on. But more likely, they'll be relieved you've been honest about your feelings - and the relationship can develop.

 

Where do we go from here?

Jenni: Don't worry about how to decide whether or not to take the relationship any further. You're a lot wiser than you were at 17 and will be able to identify more quickly if you're interested.

 

Try to avoid situations that you feel are going to involve too much work or compromise. If you like him, then move it along - but slowly and gently.

 

If you decide you don't like him, be honest about it. No avoiding phone calls, just the truth (more or less): ‘I've really enjoyed myself but I don't think you're quite right for me...' That way it's obvious you think that he's nice, but not for you.

 

You'd be amazed at how often men say, ‘I thought she liked me but she never said anything.' A lot of the time these ‘men who never call' aren't staying away because they're sorry excuses for mankind. It's often because they've no idea whether or not you liked them.

 

We tend to assume our dates are reading our signals and will just know. But don't ever assume that. If you're really shy, send an email or a text and add, ‘looking forward to seeing you again'. If you're really, really shy, then wait a week or so and invite him out with friends.
You won't seem desperate - you'll seem interested. There's a huge difference and, if he's the kind of man you want, he'll be clever enough to know that.

 

What to do if it doesn't work out

Lara: First of all, deal with what's happened by taking time to think about it. Were there signs at the beginning that you didn't pay attention to? Were there fundamental incompatibilities that you brushed aside? Did you find yourself getting involved too quickly?

 

Whatever happened, don't take it too personally. Some things just aren't meant to be, and relationships in midlife can be complicated as we try to integrate a new person into our already full lives. People hungry for love can find themselves getting involved way too fast, and we can also be resistant to love due to past hurts. These stumbling blocks can cause relationships to falter in the early stages. If we've done what we can and the bond doesn't stick, it's usually for the best in the long term.

 

When you've done some thinking to digest this short-lived romance, move on. Don't waste any more time - just set up your next date!

 

Read more great Valentines' ideas in our Love over 40 special, see all features here

 

 

 

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