Our guide to sex and the older woman

Are women now really asking for – and getting – what they want in bed?

 

We looked at the myths that still surround sex and the older woman and, with the help of our willing volunteers, discovered what really turns us on...

 

When the idea of asking 100 women* to test vibrators for Good Housekeeping was first discussed, none of us were quite sure what the response would be. Even though Sex And The City has almost single-handedly removed the ‘guilty' tag from owning a sex toy, would women really be comfortable filling out a detailed, three-page questionnaire about which top-selling vibrators hit the spot for them? But rather than being shy about the idea, we found that getting volunteers wasn't a problem, exposing the myth that older women aren't sexually adventurous. Far from it!

 

Click here to find out which vibrators came out on top with our testers  

 

We discovered that only 13% of our testers, all selected at random, were vibrator virgins. Almost nine out of 10 of our testers were happy to take their sex lives into their own hands, and for most, up until now, their best friend was their Rampant Rabbit vibrator. ‘Rabbit vibrators target three erogenous zones at once - the clitoris, the G-spot and the A-spot near the cervix,' explains sex therapist Mary Clegg. It's this recognition that 70% of women don't reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone that makes vibrators so popular, and increasingly less likely to resemble part of the male anatomy. ‘A vibrator will do it every time unless you're drunk or too tired,' says Mary. So we were surprised to find that though our testers were enthusiastic about using a vibrator - 84% said they'd buy one after taking part in the test - only two out of three said the vibrator had helped them reach orgasm. ‘Women's needs differ,' explains Mary Clegg. ‘Some like it whizzy-fizzy, others like a steady pulse. If you have difficulty tipping into orgasm, you may need a model with more variation and power.'

 

Our research backs this up - the vibrator that got the most votes was the Delight, a sleek little number with eight vibration settings that will set you back £115. But our testers agreed it would be money well spent. One rated its ‘wonderful shape that quickly hits the spot', and even those who didn't bliss out often were impressed: ‘I'm glad I tried it; I think I could achieve orgasm with practice,' said another volunteer. Debunking the idea that vibrators are just for singles, only 56% of our testers used their vibrator alone. More than 40% used them with their partners. One in three of those who tested the Ooh La La Rabbit and the Mantric Bedside Bullet vibrators said they'd definitely use them with a partner. ‘This is fabulous - I loved it, and so did my husband. Everyone should have one!' said a satisfied Bullet user. ‘It broke down barriers', ‘gave us a new angle on sex' and ‘was hilarious fun' were among comments from other testers. Partners were equally enthusiastic - 52% of our testers said their partners had encouraged them to use a vibrator, possibly because of the oomph it gave their sex lives (although one tester said her husband liked the vibrator because it ‘looked like a remote control'). ‘Sex toys can make your sex life more inventive,' says Mary Clegg. ‘And if you want satisfaction, you can make sure that happens.'

 

Enjoy great sex at any age

This chorus of approval from women aged 30 to 60-plus showed how important sex continues to be throughout women's lives. Women, it seems, do not go off sex as they get older. There may be a drought at times when small children, hot flushes or an uncaring partner make them value sleep more than sex, but our research suggests that it continues to be a treasured part of their lives. There's plenty of outside evidence to show that many settled couples continue to enjoy loving, tender sex. According to a recent survey by the drug company Pfizer, 49% of women in long relationships say their sex lives have always been good or have improved.

 

But though good sex comes as naturally as sleeping for some, others (51% in the Pfizer survey) find it's become a bit ‘ho-hum'. For the second part of our research, we asked the experts to identify the myths that block the way to happiness and share the secrets of great sex for grown-ups.

 

Sex with the same partner can be a joy

Satisfying lovemaking depends on trust, intimacy and an awareness of your body, so it's no wonder many couples report that sex gets even better. Of course, the converse is also true; if the sex has never been good - and one in three women doesn't ever reach orgasm, according to Mary Clegg - it can create a rift over time. But if it's simply a case of sex being less fun than it used to be, it may be because it's no longer high on your agenda.

 

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, falling in love is a form of madness that's too exhausting to be sustained every day. To recapture those feelings, try doing something new to raise levels of dopamine, the excitement hormone. Why not book a weekend away with your partner and bring along a couple of sex books? ‘Think of what you love about each other,' says sex educator Dr Petra Boynton. ‘Reading erotica together and talking about it may help.'

 

Physical problems can be fixed

There's increasing evidence that many sex problems have a physical cause. ‘If your partner goes off sex, get him to have blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes tests,' says GP Ann Robinson. ‘Erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of disease.' But Mary Clegg says that even if your partner does fall ill, it doesn't have to mean the end of satisfying sex: ‘Even men who've had prostate cancer can be helped.'

 

Low libido in women is a more contentious issue. Drug companies have a vested interest in medicalising female desire, warns Petra Boynton.

 

‘They're calling the problem [low libido in women] HSDD - hypoactive sexual desire disorder - but that misses the social and cultural reasons why women don't have sex,' she says.

 

One problem that puts women off sex is vaginal dryness. A change in routine could help - ‘Some women need 45 minutes of foreplay!' says Mary Clegg. If that's not the issue, oestrogen creams or lubricating aids can help. Today's playful and problem-solving aids use heat or cold to stimulate, and some (like Durex Play O) increase blood flow to the vital parts, promising better orgasms.

 

When an ‘Mmm' can say it all

During sex, a moan of satisfaction will encourage your lover far more than clinical directions. It's a strategy that works out of bed, too. Psychologist John Gottman found that to thrive, relationships need five positive actions, such as smiles or kisses, for every critical one (rolling your eyes is a killer).

 

But when things aren't going well in the bedroom, silence can be a barrier. Turning away from a kiss in case it leads to sex is a common way of avoiding the issue, but though the words are unspoken, the message is clear. Choose the right time to discuss the situation, says sexual health expert Dr Catherine Hood. ‘Over coffee in the morning is good. Say that, though it's difficult to talk about, there is a problem that needs attention.'

 

Why older women are now having all the fun!

Look at women like Wendy Salisbury, 63, author of The Toyboy Diaries, whose bedpost is notched with the names of younger men. She's one of the older women that Americans are calling ‘cougars', and whatever you think of their morals, their confidence is inspirational. Although it may be hard to imagine if you're shell-shocked from a relationship split, being on your own after 40 can be liberating.

 

‘You're used to doing what your partner likes and now you have a chance to find out what you really want,' says Petra Boynton. As for first-night nerves and worries about your body: ‘Remember, he won't be checking out your faults. He'll be thinking: "I want to sleep with this woman!"' says Petra Boynton. ‘He'll also have his own insecurities. Think of the first time as a perfect learning experience where you find out what works for you both.'

 

* Good Housekeeping's good vibrations survey was sent to 100 women between June and July 2009

 

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