Are you talking the same language?

Your lips are moving and sounds are coming out, but he’s just. Not. Getting it. Bryan Stipe reveals why men misinterpret what you say – and exactly how you can make yourself understood

My wife and I were having dinner with some friends the other night and I was telling, I thought, a very funny story about how her brother had crashed his car. Yes, maybe I did elaborate a little bit, playing for laughs at his expense, so when Kristen shot me her death-ray look across the table - the one that means, ‘You have committed a hideous gaffe. You've revealed something intimate and should cease and desist,' - I did. But afterwards, in the car on the way home, she was still hopping mad. ‘There's no point even apologising,' she said. So I didn't. I held her hand a little in the taxi, then when we got home I settled down in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream.

 

Later on, Kristen walked in, all dressed for bed, and stood silently for a moment before snapping, ‘Well, you could have at least apologised!' When I protested that she'd told me not to, she sniffed, ‘It would have been a good place to start.'

 

At that moment, I became a walking marriage cliché. You know the one I'm talking about - my wife speaks a strange alien tongue that, no matter how hard I try, I'm too dumb to understand. A lot of the time men do need genuine help in the ‘What on earth are you on about?' department. The truth is that we simply have different ways of talking. Men have two modes of communication - saying what we mean and repressing what we mean. Women, on the other hand, imply things more than we do; they use subtext. At the beginning of our marriage, Kristen kept telling me that I looked sexy in black underwear. It took me about two months to translate that into: ‘Your old white underpants are greying and disgusting. Get rid of them and replace them with something more appealing - or no sex!'

 

Understand the subtext

The problem with subtext is that often us men don't get it, or we misinterpret it. It's a bit like when you pretend to throw a ball for a dog, but actually put the ball behind your back. The dog (man) is too stupid to keep his eye on the ball (the hidden meaning) and so runs off after nothing.

 

And when a man misses his cue, both parties end up feeling annoyed. You think you're not being treated well and then sulkily blurt out what you wanted all along - just like Kristen demanding that apology two hours later - by which time you're utterly fed up, while we're just plain confused.

 

The good news is that there is a way out; show us some mercy! We really do want to understand you but we often feel intimidated, partly because we know we have a reputation for being so bad at communication. But we do try!

 

Even when your rules seem totally logical to us, we'll learn them by rote if necessary. The blunder about my wife and her brother, for example, taught me to apologise even when she tells me not to. Another rule I've learned is that when the woman in your life has a terrible day, just listen, sympathize and express contempt for those who have wronged her, rather than trying to explain why it wasn't so bad.

 

But on the flipside, men aren't above playing the system - that is, pretending not to understand when actually we don't want to understand. ‘I didn't know you wanted those earrings!' we'll protest, instead of admitting, ‘I didn't want to spend the money.' After all, just because we're dumb doesn't mean we're stupid.

 

‘Why, oh why, oh why...?'

We asked four experts the burning questions that every woman wants answered, so you'll know how to make yourself heard by your partner in future!

 

‘Why can't he see what I need?'

The relationship expert says: ‘Because he takes things personally'

‘If I tell my girlfriend that I'm having a terrible day, she'll drop everything and ask me if I'm OK. A woman hears a complaint as an invitation to move closer. But when you complain to a man, he takes it as an indication that he's somehow failed you. He measures his worth by his ability to keep you happy, so he feels that he's let you down if you moan that you're unhappy.

 

So go beyond the complaint. Try saying, ‘Would you help me with...' or ‘I would love it if...' Spell out your exact need and give him a clear idea of how to improve, so he will know when he's succeeding.'

• Dr Pat Love, author and former president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counselling

 

‘Why won't he just apologise to me?'

The linguist says: ‘Because he feels you're trying to humiliate him'

‘In general, men focus on hierarchy, while women focus on connection. A wife might feel that her husband can rectify a small mistake by simply saying sorry - to her, that means, ‘I care that I let you down.' And if he doesn't apologise, she feels that he doesn't care.

 

But for men, when you ask for an apology he sees it as a demand that he publicly humiliate himself. He thinks apologising is a sign of weakness. So when you say, ‘Why won't you apologise?' he hears, ‘You were wrong and now I'm going to rub your nose in it!''

•Deborah Tannen PhD, professor of linguistics and author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (Virago Press, £7.99)

 

‘Why can't he figure out what I'm really saying?'

The psychiatrist says: ‘Because he's hard-wired differently'

‘In brain-imaging studies, it has been shown that women have more blood flow to the parts of their brains that both produce and interpret language, as well as many more neuron interconnections between the emotional centre and the verbal centre. Conversely, men have less well-defined connections between these verbal and emotional parts of their brains.

 

The big problem between husbands and wives is that they don't realise how the other functions. A woman expects that since she is able to talk about her emotions, her husband can do so too. Meanwhile, a man views his wife's efforts to communicate as simply information-sharing. So if she says to him, ‘I'm upset that our son hasn't called to let us know where he is,' the husband might say, ‘Maybe he's lost his phone,' as he's focusing only on the practical aspect. Whereas what she is really saying is, ‘I'm really worried,' and her husband is failing to focus on her need for emotional reassurance.'

• Scott Haltzman, psychiatrist and author of ‘The Secrets of Happily Married Women' (Jossey Bass Wiley, £12.99)

 

‘Why doesn't he listen to what I'm saying?'

 The psychologist says: ‘Because he's too busy trying to fix the problem'

‘There's a big difference between how men and women process stress. In a woman, stress produces a reaction in the emotional centre of their brains. For them, talking stimulates the production of the feel-good hormone serotonin, which in turn relaxes the brain, so she'll instinctively talk her way through her feelings in order to feel better in herself.

 

But for a man, stress triggers a response in the action (flight/fight) centre of his brain. As a result, when you talk to him about a problem, he's so intent on taking action to fix the issue, that it actually blocks his ability to hear your point of view!

So what you need to do is to spell out that the solution is just to listen to you - then he can relax. Let him know that he doesn't have to hunt for a solution of his own. That way he can take in what you're saying - and perhaps even sympathise with you.'

• John Gray, author of the best-selling ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus', has also written the upcoming self-help book ‘Why Mars and Venus Collide' (Harper Element, £7.99) l