How to beat the green-eyed monster: jealousy

Prima online 11.03.2009

It's an emotion which can destroy relationships and ruin your work prospects. We show you how to banish jealousy for good

jealous woman with green eyes Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions, but only the most saintly among us can say we've never felt it.

And while we know it isn't a nice trait, in real life you can't always help how you feel. Life coach Fiona Harrold (www.fionaharrold.com) says: ‘It's easy to imagine how great life would be with a better figure, job, house or relationship, but all too often we ignore the reality of how they're achieved. There's no such thing as having it all - the woman with the phenomenal career may never see her family.'

Instead of letting envy eat you up, Fiona advises using your feelings to change your life for the better. ‘Envy is nature's way of telling you that you're not fulfilling your ambition. It can be a great thing, but only if you galvanise it,' she explains. ‘If you stew in it you become bitter and resentful. Notice when envy kicks in, and ask yourself, "What do I feel I'm missing out on?'' But while envy can have its place in spurring you on at work, when it comes to relationships, a jealous nature can wreck any chance of happiness. ‘Jealousy won't stop people being unfaithful,' explains relationship expert Tracey Cox (www.traceycox.com). ‘In fact, it makes it more likely, as they eventually think, "Well, they believe it, I might as well do it.'' Tracey says that by following her three-step plan, you can nip those jealous thoughts in the bud...

Identify the reason
Is it insecurity, your childhood, your past or your own cheating history? If your partner's got a history of playing around, you're wise to keep your eyes open. But truly distrustful people experience jealousy with every person they go out with.

Work on your self-esteem
A healthy ego is great protection against jealousy. The more highly you think of yourself, the less you'll believe your partner would risk you and your relationship by being unfaithful. Remind yourself that your partner doesn't need anyone else, because they've got you!

Change your behaviour
Every time you have a jealous thought, write it down and rate how strongly you feel on a scale of 1-10. Underneath, list the reasons you believe this. Beside those reasons, write logical alternative explanations, the more the better. Read through what you've written, focussing on the logical explanations- and re-rate how strongly you believe the initial thought. Repeat this exercise every time you feel jealous, until you can do it mentally. By training your brain to challenge silly thoughts with logic - which is how non-jealous people's brains work - you'll learn to do it automatically.

Now take the quiz to find out how jealous you are

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