How to tame an angry woman

It’s been one of those days. By 5pm I could quite happily either throw myself out of the window or punch someone. But in the interests of preservation – of friends, job and limbs – I do neither. I go for an African Potato Body Experience at Africology spa instead.

It smells nice there. ‘Lemongrass oil,’ says the therapist when I ask. Nice but it’s going to take a lot more than a bit of lemongrass to do the trick I think grimly. The assessment form wants to know what I want from the treatment. ‘RELAXATION’ I write in capital letters. Marie, my therapist, smiles when she reads this. ‘Yes, the treatment can be really relaxing’, she says, ‘but ...’

No buts, my head screams furiously. Angry woman doesn’t want buts. Angry woman only wants relaxation. Lots of relaxation. And maybe a kitten. ‘The treatment starts with a full body exfoliation,’ Marie continues, ‘which means I have to work around your body, so there will be a bit of moving about. Now, we’ll start with some breathing exercises.’

If I had to make a list of words you should never say to an angry woman, ‘breathing exercises’ would be near the top of it. But, as I am naked but for disposable knickers under a towel, I go along with it. There might be something in this breathing I think to myself after a few deep breaths when suddenly the world settles a little calmer in my mind. This may be helped by the fact I am inhaling some amazing oil that is wafting over me from Marie’s hands – Africology Energising oil I discover afterwards, with a strong scent of peppermint and eucalyptus, defined to rejuvenate and re-balance. Good to put on your wrists before bed apparently and inhale when you wake up.

Africology: history and products

And so we move to the body exfoliation, less traumatic than some I’ve had when I felt like I was being sandpapered. The exfoliator is walnut-based and so nourishes the skin as it removes dead cells. All products used in Africology are completely natural and the result of the loving attention of its founder, South African Renchia Droganis. Life coach, holistic healer, Reiki master and aromatherapist, Renchia runs the company from Johannesburg where she also works to create opportunities for underprivileged men and women. The range she has developed is natural and totally chemical-free.

And there’s nothing more natural than this. I am now being washed clean with a cloth before the African potato and shea butter mixture is rubbed into my skin. I haven’t been washed by anyone since I was a baby - this feels nice. Angry woman (feeling a lot less angry now) starts to feel a little nostalgic for the lost baby years. This is a big progression in angry woman’s emotional range. Next I’m rolled in a cocoon of soft plastic wrapping and a blanket from which I will emerge like a butterfly says Marie. Or maybe just a rational human I think.

Now for the best bit. The head massage. I love head massages. And this one is gorgeous. I float off to a happy place and continue to float deliciously throughout. And then, just when I think it’s all over and I’m preparing for the disappointment of being plucked from my cocoon and sent back to reality, Marie says ‘now you can shower and then I’ll massage you with Marula oil’. What? Still, more treats! I can hardly believe it. Angry woman turns into a purring kitten. And the purring continues right to the end of the body massage. All the stresses, worries and headaches I’ve come in with are left wrapped up in the plastic cocoon I've shed like a chrysalis in the corner of the room. And that, dear readers, is what an African Potato Body Experience can do for you.

More information and booking

African Potato Body wrap, 120 minutes £165; Africology Spa At Bloww, 4 Regent place, London, W1B 5EA; phone 020 7292 0300 or visit the website at www.bloww.com/beauty

See last month's spa review - a wellness spa offering alternative remedies and nutrition programmes

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