Alone but not lonely: learn how to be self-reliant

We may say we crave a little ‘me time' but the truth is that for many of us, the idea of being alone isn't a comfortable one. Going to a wedding alone, taking off on a solo holiday or just spending the evening by yourself can be a daunting prospect if you've come to rely on the constant companionship of a partner or the hustle and bustle in a family home.

Take the quiz to see how self-reliant you are... 

But whether you share your life with someone or not, it's never too late to become an independent person, knowing you could cope alone if you had to. ‘Finding your own compass means that even if the going gets rough, you're ready for it,' says clinical psychologist Dr Steve Holmes (www.drsteveholmes.co.uk). ‘Self-reliance is particularly important for women because we're programmed to put others first. ‘Relying on others for affirmation is risky because one of the few guarantees in life is that it never stays the same,' she adds. Marriages break up, children grow up, partners die.

Fear of having to fend for ourselves keeps some of us in wrong relationships and, even if we're happily married, it's easy to lose sight of our own needs. Here's how to make sure you have the tools to be self-reliant...

Five steps to self-reliance

Step 1: expand your community
Surround yourself with people who care about you. Prune any ‘friends' you suspect don't have your best interests at heart. If your inner circle consists entirely of couples, widen it to include some singles. Join a keep-fit class or women's group, investigate book clubs or browse various online communities. Research subjects that interest you and
see what's on offer locally. Or suggest coffee to a neighbour or colleague you'd like to get to know better.

Step 2: build a list of emergency contacts
‘After my marriage broke down, I realised it was vital to compile a little
black book of people who could support me in an emergency,' says
Francine Kay, divorce counsellor and author of 'The Divorce Doctor' (Hay
House, £9.99). ‘I wanted to regain my independence and become resourceful instead of melting in a puddle when lightning strikes. So I asked my friends for the numbers of reliable plumbers, builders, electricians and garages. As a result, I have so many useful contacts
now that I feel 100 per cent confident that whatever happens, "I know
someone who can."'

Step 3: treat yourself like a goddess
Start practising the art of caring for yourself. A good haircut will make you feel gorgeous. Treat yourself to a facial or massage if your budget allows. If it doesn't, a bubble bath by scented candlelight is a great reviver. Say ‘yes' to freebie makeovers in department stores. Enjoy blissful ten-minute catnaps. Or dance around your living room to uplifting music while cleaning.

Step 4: do something you thought you couldn't
‘Stepping outside our comfort zone is a tried-and-tested method of
increasing self-esteem,' says Dr Holmes. ‘Doing something you had
thought you couldn't should give you a sense of achievement just for
having attempted it, no matter what the outcome. If it turns out well, it helps you challenge your negative beliefs about yourself. The sky's the limit.' Simply dining in a restaurant or going to see a film alone can be scary if you've never done it before. Take a book or newspaper with you for a solo meal so you don't feel self-conscious. Afternoon weekday film screenings tend to be less crowded than evening ones, and you can always slip in just before the lights go down until you feel more confident.

Step 5: learn one new skill each month
It doesn't have to be something as complex as Mandarin. It could simply be learning to change a tyre or bake bread. The more aces you hold up your sleeve, the better you'll cope with whatever life throws at you. A basic grasp of car maintenance, DIY, financial management or computer skills will not only save you money but can prove a godsend in an emergency.

Now take the quiz to see how self-reliant you are... 

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