Forty, flirty and unfaithful

Whether it's a one-night stand when you're away with the girls, some ‘innocent' flirty texts with that man from IT while your husband's watching the football, or a prolonged relationship that your man would be devastated to find out about, one thing's for sure: women are having more affairs than ever and, even more shockingly, feeling less guilty about it. A recent SHE online survey asked some probing questions about your experiences of cheating and attitudes towards infidelity - and the responses revealed a staggering new trend.

While cheating has traditionally been seen as a male trait, women are now catching up, as a massive 32 per cent of you admitted that you've been unfaithful. This doesn't surprise Relate therapist Denise Knowles: "I'm seeing more female infidelity in relationships among the couples I counsel," she says. "Women have numerous opportunities to cheat these days as their independence has grown. The internet has also made it a lot easier. But this increase might also be partly down to infidelity not being the taboo subject it once was - women now feel that they can confess to it and work through it."

Surprisingly, while a quarter of you say that your affair was just a one-off, almost a third admit it was more than a drunken fumble and that it lasted a few months - with 17 per cent of you even saying it went on for years. "What we're seeing more and more is women having secondary relationships - rather than brief, meaningless flings - that run alongside their primary relationships," says Denise.

Having it all

It seems that now we have balance and choice in other areas of our lives, we're attempting to do the same where love is concerned. Instead of going through the upheaval of beginning a new relationship, we're getting our needs met - whether they're physical or emotional - via a different source. It's love/life effectiveness, 2010 style. "Society today has so much of this ‘have your cake and eat it' attitude, and this often translates to relationships," suggests Denise. "Many people have this idea that they can only be happy when they've got everything, so if some element of their relationship isn't being fulfilled, they try and find it outside their relationship. Instead, they need to be looking within themselves." And we can't overlook the obvious; 63 per cent of you say that excitement is the overriding emotion of an affair.

While for most women, only one extra-marital experience is the norm, 15 per cent of you say you've done it more than once. And, far from feeling shame, nearly two-thirds said they had no regrets about getting involved with someone else. "This isn't actually as bad as it sounds," explains Denise, "as long as you work out what was missing from your relationship and move on. The people who are most likely to cheat again are those who can't work out what made them stray in the first place."

So just who are these men tempting you? Shockingly, 40 per cent of them are married themselves. And, perhaps because of the increasing amount of time women are spending at work, this is the most usual place to meet them, with 43 per cent of you saying that's where you first got involved. And sadly, as Lucy Kellaway acknowledges in her novel 'In Office Hours' (Fig Tree, £12.99), it's almost inevitably women who come off worst after an affair with a colleague, with many having to sacrifice their jobs.

If you were to have an affair, over 60 per cent of you would confess your secret to a confidante. Telling a partner is a different story though, with over three-quarters of you saying you managed to keep it from them. However, you're far more likely to be upfront if you find out a friend's husband is cheating, with half of you saying you'd confront him about it. But this, as Denise warns, can be dangerous: "Make sure you've thought through the consequences of making an accusation, unless you're really confident you're right." And remember, the definition of cheating is blurred.

Over a third of you say that kissing counts, but 34 per cent believe it's when you have sex that it crosses the line, while one in 10 think that it's only once an affair has developed into an ongoing relationship that it becomes illicit. So go carefully.

He's at it too

Of course, men are equally complicit in extra-marital encounters. Thirty six per cent of you admit that you've been cheated on and 41 per cent knew the woman in question - so it's no surprise that over three-quarters decided you couldn't continue with the relationship. And almost two-thirds of you would blame yourself if your partner strayed!

And how would you react if you found out your husband was in the throes of an affair? Well, for 12 per cent of respondents, that's a dilemma they're going through right now. "It's important not to go in with all guns blazing and directly accuse him, unless you have concrete evidence," says Denise. "Keep communicating; talk about why you're not happy, and ask if there's anything making him unhappy and how you can work on it together."

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