Sleeping apart: is it a bad thing?

The expectation that long-term couples should sleep together at all times is deeply ingrained in today's etiquette. And any divergence from this is seen as a reflection of a relationship in trouble. But it hasn't always been this way. The traditional aristocratic view was that everyone should have their own room as a marker of space and individuality – an arrangement entirely distinct from a couple's love life.

Given the orange light
Queen Victoria was a great exponent of this view; she had an arrangement to leave a bowl of oranges outside her room if she wanted Prince Albert to enter. Rumour has it that the oranges appeared almost every night... In modern times, however, the view seems far more prescriptive. A recent report by the Sleep Council questioning 1,000 couples about their bed habits found that almost 90% thought sleeping in the same bed kept their relationship alive. But dig a little deeper and a more complicated picture arises. When questioned further, 49% complained they were regularly woken around six times a night by their partner's sleeping habits. Common reasons for disturbance included duvet wars, snoring and, er, simply waking for a chat. Insomnia can be a major factor in deciding to decamp to the spare room. A 2006 study by 'New Scientist' found that both sexes had a more disturbed night's sleep when they shared their bed.

Together, apart
For Laura Richardson, a 35-year-old graphic designer, disturbed nights was the main factor behind a two-year spell when she and her partner slept apart virtually every night. She says: 'At the time it suited both parties. Basically it was down to the fact that I could sleep better on my own, and I think Andy also found his sleep improved. 'But looking back I can see it was a symbol of something else. We were more separate people then, and the relationship was at a different stage. I'm more committed to him now.' Richardson also says there were times when sleeping with her partner during periods of insomnia actually helped. 'It used to be really common for me to wake up at 4am worrying and he would help talk me away from my worries. That was very bonding and helped us become closer.'

Backache blues
For Laura Bolotin, a 45-year-old freelance writer, a hefty combination of back pain and insomnia made sleeping apart from her partner sometimes a necessary arrangement. She explains: 'Peter and I both have back pain and insomnia so if one us is having trouble sleeping and trying not to disturb the other, the restless one will head off to the spare room.' Bolotin insists the arrangement works well and doesn't affect the quality of the relationship. 'As we both have the same problems we totally understand each other if one needs to sleep elsewhere. It certainly doesn't affect our sex life!'

Still having sex?
One of the biggest assumptions made is that separate beds equals no love life. But Philip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), argues that the opposite could be true. 'People's sex life can suffer if they are too close and always on hand; sometimes it can be difficult to value what you can have so easily.' Most of all, he says, couples must find an arrangement that suits them, regardless of society's expectations. 'There is no psychological law that comes down on one side of the other. Some people would see sleeping apart as the end of a relationship and take the view that sharing a bed is part of feeling attached, comforted and loved. It fits their model of what a relationship is.' Sometimes, Hodson stresses, two people are simply nocturnally incompatible and a decision to spend the night apart is best for both partners. 'Small English beds don't help; you need a good three or four feet between two people who are restless, because insomnia can damage a relationship just as lack of intimacy can. There's no right or wrong – the decision comes down to personality.'

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