How to be a stepmother

Becoming a stepmother may not be something we've mapped out for the future but, as we get older, there's more chance of a new partner already having children...

The first time I thought about whether I would have children, somewhere in the heady days of my early youth, the idea always took something of a conventional route concerning marriage, followed by perhaps one or two children. Of course the concept of the family has changed greatly even in the last 20 years, and I certainly no longer believe the naïve ideals I once held as 'normal'.

Refreshingly, many of us understand that there really is no such thing. Love is the main glue that holds a family together, whether nuclear, single, extended, same-sex or stepfamily. However, the path to domestic happiness is rarely easy, as was the case when I met my partner 'plus one'.

Relatively early on in our relationship my partner told me about his child from a previous relationship, who lived with her mother in a different part of the country. His relationship with his ex was amicable for the sake of his daughter and, due to the geographical distance, he saw her only in the school holidays.

At this stage I had no concerns, but as our relationship became more serious he wanted me to meet his little girl. Although flattered, I found the prospect daunting. If she didn't like me, where would that leave my relationship? The first meeting went rather well, though I was aware that, despite not having children of my own, I had quite different ideas on parenting to my partner.

The main foundations of a child's life - organisation and routine, bedtimes, discipline, meal times and so on - seemed unimportant to my partner, resulting in an over-tired and irritable child. But the thing I found most difficult was the lack of support I received from my partner when his daughter was rude or disrespectful towards me. While I never blamed her – she is, after all, only a child – I certainly didn't appreciate playing the 'bad cop' role to my partner's 'good cop daddy'.

Eventually, we agreed on a routine and set of rules whenever she stays with us, and mostly it works. I admit to have fallen totally in love with her; she can be heartachingly sweet, and incredibly funny. My partner has also started to step in if she is rude to me, but there is still a long way to go, which at times seems utterly exhausting and not a little bit thankless!

Read on for five ways to make the situation work – without tears

• Aim to be friendly on a first meeting – but don't go overboard. Children can sense desperation better than a basset hound. Though you may be playing the role of a parent in the future, you will never replace their mother or father. Remember that it will be some time before they trust you or let you in emotionally.

• Realise that there will be occasions when the child or children will aim to 'push your buttons'. Most children will naturally believe that their parents should be together – particularly if they are young. They may perceive you as standing in the way of this or they may see you as a threat to the affection and love that their parent gives them.

• Ensure that your partner understands you must work as a team with the child. Work out a system that is acceptable to both of you with regard to discipline, respect, bedtime and so on. If a child understands that bad behaviour will not be accepted by either of you, they will grow tired of any 'divide and conquer' attempts to get what they want.

• It's important for the child to have their own bedroom in your house. This helps form important identities even if they do not stay there often. Decorating or choosing items for the bedroom together can be a good bonding experience.

• Remember that though the child may become emotionally attached to you, bestowing cuddles and kisses in a loving way, once they see their maternal/paternal parent you will be left behind without a second thought. This can be difficult – no matter how much you're looking forward to a return of peace and quiet and adult time!