How to make your confidence grow

Our childhood has an important influence on how confident we are - but difficult events later in life can change the way we feel, too. Our self-esteem can be shaken on a temporary basis or, if the event is traumatic enough, longer term.

The good news is that we all have the ability to become more positive. Confidence is a set of skills and, like everything else in life, the more you practise, the better you get. While some research suggests that elements of confidence are genetic and passed on, there is increasing evidence to the contrary - one study estimated that 50% of how we feel and behave is down to approaches we have learned.

These five practical tips will help you to feel more positive:

Be good to yourself

Recognise your personal qualities and give yourself credit. Avoid saying things like: ‘that doesn't count', ‘other people could do it better' or ‘anyone could have done it'. Congratulate yourself the way you would your best friend. We are much kinder and fairer to other people than we are to ourselves. The less you value what you do, the more you drag yourself down.

Learn to appreciate life

Get yourself a journal and write down three good things that have happened during the day that you are pleased about, together with what it was about them that made you feel good. For example: ‘I liked the way I spoke to the kids - I feel so much better when I'm able to be firm without losing it.' It's often little things in life that build confidence - the more you balance negative thoughts with positive ones, the more confident you become.

Update your image

A makeover might seem superficial, but there is a real emotional pay-off. After all, if you see what you always saw in the mirror, this just reaffirms that nothing has changed. You don't have to spend a fortune - find out where your local hairdressing and beauty training schools are, as they will be looking for models and charge very little. A personal shopper can also make a big difference - very often other people see the potential that you cannot see in yourself. Suggest that friends and family make a donation towards a stylist fund for your birthday, then splash out!

Good Housekeeping's fashion director Jane de Teliga adds: ‘John Lewis, Fenwick and House of Fraser all offer personal shopping services - as these are free consultations, they're popular, so make sure you book in advance.'

Put yourself first

It's all too easy to meet everyone else's needs and forget your own, but this drains your confidence. If you don't want to do something and feel guilty saying no, try not to worry about the other person's reaction. Instead think: ‘What's the worst that can happen?' Then take a deep breath in through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth (which will help you to stay calm). On the out breath, make eye contact and say something like: ‘I appreciate you would like me to help you out, but I'm not able to do it this time' or ‘I know you might feel disappointed, however, I don't have the time to do this for you now.'

Don't be afraid to take risks

If you act confident, you are more likely to become confident. Think of the most confident people you know and ask yourself: ‘What do they say? How do they act? What do they wear?' Make a note of these things and practise doing them. This technique is called ‘modelling', and confident people do it without even realising it.