Has your partner lost their libido?
More and more relationships are now under strain because hes feigning a headache, says sex therapist Anna Kingsley
Men don’t like to talk about it; neither do their partners. But the dirty little secret is that one in five men will go off sex at some point. Yes, loss of desire is more common in women, but it affects men too – and they often don’t deal with it very well.
Sex is all men are supposed to think about, so losing interest in it scares them. And more often than not, they deal with it by pretending the problem doesn’t exist. So where does that leave their partners? Fed up, angry and ashamed, that’s where. When you’re more highly sexed than your man, he’ll often simply dismiss your worries – anything talking properly about the issue. But to you, wanting sex is all about feeling wanted, loved and, above all, emotionally connected. You’re lonely and confused. The man who couldn’t wait to get you alone and make love to you now acts either annoyed or exhausted if you even hint at intimacy. Sex should be such a natural, pleasurable, loving, simple thing, so how on earth has it come to this?
The reasons are rarely clear-cut. It could be a physical problem, such as cardiovascular disease, hormone trouble, diabetes or obesity. Suggest he sees his doctor, and if he agrees, pick up the phone, schedule the appointment and drive him there. Very often, however, the problem can be emotional. Depression, low self-esteem, work-related stress and money worries are all passion killers. More seriously, he may have suffered sexual abuse in the past. Of course, he might just not feel self-assured in the sack. We're not born knowing how to be a great lover. Education, therapy and boosting his confidence can help make him feel like he’s got plenty to offer in the relationship. But quite apart from missing the sex, many women are concerned that a lack of it must be their fault. They think their man must be looking elsewhere, or that there’s something wrong with them. Usually that’s not the case. Rather than forking out for naughty knickers or sex toys to lure your man into action, try discussing your feelings. Tell him you miss sex, and that you’re frightened. Odds on, he is too.
Men with low libido are often not sure everything is working as it should, and the more men worry, the harder it is for them to perform. Luckily, in many cases a lost libido will return when life’s stresses subside. If not, sex therapy is designed to bring underlying issues into the open, help you rediscover desire and get back into the habit of sex. Don’t be scared to get the help you need and deserve.
To find a local sex therapist, visit cosrt.org.uk
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