Is boredom ruining your marriage?

Nowadays, you can barely open a newspaper without being hit with yet another sordid headline about a celebrity caught cheating, so you would be forgiven for thinking that infidelity is the most common reason for relationships breaking up. But, the true threat to a marriage, new research indicates, is quiet and insidious and, in a recent survey of more than 100 family lawyers, now overtakes infidelity as the number-one marriage breaker. It’s boredom. Monotony. Routine. It’s you and him, sitting, staring and wondering how you ended up in such a tedious, stilted relationship.

‘There’s always been boredom in marriages but in the past, people accepted it,’ says Relate counsellor, Christine Northam. ‘Nowadays, expectations have changed and we want marriage to be satisfying, vital and fulfilling.’ That’s not to say we’re willing to work hard at it. According to a survey by One Poll, married couples ditch romance on average after two years, six months and 25 days, happily leaving toilet seats up, abandoning make-up and cuddling just a few times a day (if that). So the stuck-in-a-rut marriage is a very real and dangerous threat. ‘We see whirlwind romances on reality TV, and friends posting idyllic pictures and messages about their relationships on social-networking websites such as Facebook, and we’re dissatisfied with our own boring love lives and want something more,’ says Andrew G Marshall, marital therapist and author of 'Build a Life-Long Love Affair: Seven Steps to Revitalising your Relationship' (Bloomsbury, £6.99).

Check out these five warning signs and see if your relationship is under threat:

Warning 1: Different bedtimes

Admit it. Your bedroom’s your escape. It’s where you go to read, relax, indulge in telly and – if you’re honest – escape him. You can be in bed as early as 9pm, and are horrified if he dares to venture in before you’ve finished at least one episode of 'Silent Witness', at which point you make a show of nodding off. Needing personal space is fine, says Christine, but only up to a point. ‘If you’re doing it every night, you have to ask yourself why,’ she says. ‘Maybe you’re overwhelmed with the pressures of work, children and the relationship, but you need to find a balance. You can’t underestimate the importance of having some intimate bed time – a cuddle and falling asleep together – so try and go to bed at the same time as each other once a week.’

Warning 2: You’re not interested in what he has to say

In the past, you’d feign interest, but now when he witters on about the rugby score or how his day at work went, you really don’t care and don’t bother to hide it. Conversations are exchanges of information on a need-to-know basis and you’d rather wipe the kitchen worktops then have to sit and listen to him drone on. ‘You’re both hiding behind routine and holding back from talking properly,’ says Andrew. His recommendation? ‘A bloody good row,’ he says. ‘An argument is one of the most intimate things you can do as a couple because instead of nodding sweetly and being angry inside, you’re finally being honest with each other. Boredom comes from showing less and less of ourselves. Instead of jumping ship, we need to see our partners less like boring, cardboard cut-outs and more like the complex individuals they are.’

Warning 3: You’d rather watch TV than go out together

This might be down to exhaustion more than anything and it’s only a warning if one of you is miserable with it. ‘Some couples are perfectly happy to watch TV every night after a hectic day,’ says Christine. ‘It’s down to what you’re comfortable with as a couple.’ Andrew agrees. ‘It’s all about collaboration and doing things you enjoy together,’ he says. If that means watching 'Australian Masterchef' and discussing the merits of potato piping fish pie, good luck to you. If it doesn’t, you need to find other projects, such as learning to dance the tango, buying a camper van or even organising the family holiday together. ‘They don’t have to be shared interests, just new interests,’ says Andrew. ‘This will inject the fun back into things and break the routine.’

Warning 4: You compare yourself to other couples

Everybody knows a couple who gaze adoringly into each other’s eyes, share the same ideas about everything and still excite each other after years together. And you can’t help but feel that your relationship is deeply inadequate in comparison. ‘It’s an illusion,’ says Andrew. ‘I have so many couples who come and see me, saying all their friends thought they were the perfect couple – and look where they are now. A relationship in which you’re trying to be perfect all the time will be deeply dull for both of you. Instead of looking at other couples and feeling disempowered because of all the things you can’t change, you need to be empowered and think about your own life and what you can change – and talking to each other is a start.’

Warning 5: The sex is boring

If you’re bored with it, it’s likely he is, too. A new survey carried out by UK leading marital affairs website Illicit Encounters reveals the most common reason men stray from their wives is boredom, with 29 per cent looking for an ‘escape from everyday life’ and 28 per cent for ‘more adventurous sex’. According to Marshall, the longer you’ve been together, the more you need to keep talking about sex and your needs. ‘If you went to the same restaurant for 15 years, you’d be bored,’ he points out. ‘As you get older, you have different tastes and you might no longer want the same sex you had as your 20-something self.’ Start by telling him what’s good about your sex life, what you love, want more of, then make gentle hints as to ways it can be improved. ‘Think of it as building a lifelong love affair,’ says Andrew.