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How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 3/11/2009 12:06 AM GST
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First post: 8/10/2009
Last post: 15/11/2009 Total posts: 16 |
Someone has probably asked this before on here but I couldn't see it at a glance. I realise in the grand scheme of things this is no big deal - I have bigger and better problems myself - but I want to sort it and would welcome any ideas or experience. An old uni friend has behaved too badly too many times for me to want her in my life again, but I can't make her see she's done anything wrong. I'd been avoiding her and not replying to texts or calls hoping she'd get the hint (spineless I know, but she loves an argument and I don't!). However, she's just left an offhand message for me on my mum's(!) home phone. I'm ill and don't need the stress (she knows this). She once told me she had cancer when she didn't, just to get attention I think, so you can see this has to be a well-judged response as I can't predict her reaction! I particularly want her to leave my mum alone! Thanks!
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 3/11/2009 8:44 AM GST
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First post: 16/5/2008
Last post: 20/11/2009 Total posts: 1599 |
Hi, Bette, your friend is an attention seeker. Nothing she does will ever be so bad that she deems it inapporpriate if it gets your response. Ignore, ignore, ignore! If you respond, you'll get into a debate about why you shouldn't judge her. Don't read her texts or mails - just delete. Tell your mum to delete all messages from her. It takes two to make an argument - if you don't respond, she can't argue. She is a liar and a manipulator for her own satisfaction, and she wants you to feel sorry for her - enough that you will still come running at her beck and call and whimper of imagined pain. You are not in good health and you don't need this. Don't mistake her constant attempts at connecting for a sense of compassion or interest in you and your situation - it will always be about her. All the best, BB |
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 3/11/2009 1:21 PM GST
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First post: 16/9/2009
Last post: 19/11/2009 Total posts: 623 |
I know too many control freaks and they all follow the same pattern. They know which button to press to get a reaction, even if it's a bad one! They can't stand it if you don't rise to the bait! That's the only way they can feel in control. BB's right, IGNORE! Your ex friend is probably a very lonely person who has alienated all her friends and thinks she can come back to you! Walk away!
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 3/11/2009 1:45 PM GST
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First post: 8/10/2009
Last post: 15/11/2009 Total posts: 16 |
Thanks for your response BB, it's like you know her! She actually used to leave messages, for me and others, implying there was some kind of emergency, just to get an immediate call back! You've totally got her sussed and reassured me I'm doing the right thing. Actually, I think (THINK!) I've dealt with it. This morning I asked her to stop contacting me (or my mum) . She was pretty angry and said she was deleting our numbers and that I wouldn't hear from her again. Which is what I need. She also said "I know I've done nothing wrong." Blimey, could I give her a list! But like you said, that is what she wants, and I had already said what I needed to. But it just underlined why I can't put up with her anymore. Such a relief. I wish I'd done it sooner.
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 3/11/2009 1:52 PM GST
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First post: 8/10/2009
Last post: 15/11/2009 Total posts: 16 |
Sorry Donna, I missed yours! I guess I was afraid of continuing to just ignore her, as she wasn't taking the hint, and I had visions of her turning up on the doorstep in the middle of the night or something! Actually, she seems to have loads of friends, who just seem to put up with her madness. Well, that's their problem now! I can't believe I've been such a doormat for so long. Thanks for your advice.
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 4/11/2009 11:47 PM GST
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First post: 4/11/2009
Last post: 11/11/2009 Total posts: 15 |
Hi Bette...Last year I actually took the plunge and told my friend what I thought....of her...!!!! Just like you I had put up with so much of her emotional baggage and lies over the years and after one mega "story telling" session from her I desided enough was enough. I can remember the exact day I told her what I thought and I walked away from her feeling so much lighter. I don't have any regrets about what I said to her and I don't feel the need to say "sorry" about how our relationship broke down. I guess that was the main problem - we were in a relationship and not a true friendship. Our relationship was certainly one sided and it was me who tended to be the "listening ear". When I actually start to think back I don't think she ever really thought about how I was feeling, how my day had gone or how my children were.... I believe that silence is the best answer you can give someone like that and this has proved to be true in my case. I have never given her the chance to reposte, I have never given her the chance to justify her actions or the lies she has told me. I just don't want to know her anymore. I never spoke about what happened to any of our mutual friends despite the fact that they all knew we had fallen out. However it is only now that they too are seeing her true colours....Betty-mayX
Betty-mayX
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 6/11/2009 4:20 PM GST
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First post: 7/8/2009
Last post: 9/11/2009 Total posts: 61 |
Hello
i have just managed to extricate myslef from a 'friend' whom i have known for 43 years! she is just the same type as your 'friend'. You will be feeling so much better without the baggage. I found myself worrying baout her all the time, each minor problem was a crisis. She also played the emotional card a lot, she had a very bad childhood and replayed this forever,myself and another firned tried everything we could to 'make her better' but in the end we accepted that this was not actually what she wanted! stick to it as well. silence and firmness speaks for itself.although she will never ever see that any of this was her fault. ever. I had several texts and emails, 'why have you blanked me, after all this time thought we meant more to each other etc.....' hmm just keep reminding yourself why you want out. I sound quite hard here but you do reach the end of your tether. A true friend is never a burden . take care
busybee
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 6/11/2009 6:52 PM GST
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First post: 15/10/2009
Last post: 15/11/2009 Total posts: 132 |
Excellent advice from everyone and Busybee is sooo right, a true friend would never put you in such a position in the first place..
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 6/11/2009 10:00 PM GST
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First post: 24/10/2008
Last post: 21/11/2009 Total posts: 1712 |
Hi, I have had my own version of your friend too. Mine had to be the centre of attention at all time and got her kicks by insulting me (subtlely). She lied constantly and would even fabricate deeds and conversations with my husband. She stole from me and tried to dent my confidence, she even used the death of my dog to make it all about her. Eventually, I cut her off completely. She still sends birthday and Christmas cards full of false affection and I just don't reply. Friends should make your life more enjoyable and make you feel valued, if that is not happening, erase.
My Barney |
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Re: How do you tell an ex friend they're an ex friend?
posted at 7/11/2009 12:00 PM GST
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First post: 8/10/2009
Last post: 15/11/2009 Total posts: 16 |
Everything you guys have said sounds sooo familiar. It seems there are a lot of these people about! Although I'm slightly braced for some kind of retaliation, I just feel relieved that she's not my problem now. It's been great to hear from people who understand (although I'm sorry to hear what you've had to put up with), and I would recommend the steps we've taken to anyone who recognises this situation!
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