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What is acceptable
posted at 1/6/2008 4:53 PM GDT
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First post: 16/5/2008
Last post: 19/11/2009 Total posts: 70 |
My partner is separated and we've been together for 2 years. His children don't acknowledge our relationship, won't speak to me at all. I am struggling about how to deal with this. As I write he has gone back to his old home to have a bbq to celebrate a 22 birthday. His wife is there. I find it really difficult to accept that he sits and has meals with her as I feel she is the root of the animosity with the children. His children are between 15 and 25. He will not address the issue with his children and when he sees them it is as if I do not exist. My name is not mentioned nor any of our plans discussed. How can I come to terms with this and please can I get some input and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in these situations. My sons love and accept him and enjoy his company. His own children I feel miss out on time with him because they won't accept me. Help !! |
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posted at 1/6/2008 8:50 PM GDT
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First post: 28/4/2008
Last post: 31/7/2009 Total posts: 127 |
How awful for you plop. 2 years is a long time. You need to tell your partner exactly how this situation makes you feel. He should try and sort the problem of his children's attitude towards you. Like you said it sounds like their mum has something to do with it or do they blame you for the breakup of their parents? If this is not the case, they need to grow up, it's not as if they're young children who don't understand. I hope you can sort this out soon.
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Re: What is acceptable
posted at 2/6/2008 9:11 AM GDT
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First post: 29/4/2008
Last post: 5/6/2008 Total posts: 34 |
My partner is separated and we've been together for 2 years. His children don't acknowledge our relationship, won't speak to me at all. I am struggling about how to deal with this. As I write he has gone back to his old home to have a bbq to celebrate a 22 birthday. His wife is there. I find it really difficult to accept that he sits and has meals with her as I feel she is the root of the animosity with the children. His children are between 15 and 25. He will not address the issue with his children and when he sees them it is as if I do not exist. My name is not mentioned nor any of our plans discussed.How can I come to terms with this and please can I get some input and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in these situations. My sons love and accept him and enjoy his company. His own children I feel miss out on time with him because they won't accept me. Help !! Posted by Plop Hi, I agree with Maybee, it's been a reasonable amount of time since you got together and his children aren't babies, or maybe they are !! The fact that he doesn't include you in discussions will give his children the wrong impression i.e. that this is not a serious relationship and that there is always the possibility that he may get back with their mother. Do you think she is hoping for a reconcilliation or is it well and truly over? If the latter then she needs to play a big part in this too by talking to their children, maybe even with her ex husband, to put them firmly in the picture. Sounds to me that he doesn't want to rock the boat and is trying to keep everyone happy......never works that way no matter how hard we try. His kids are being pretty selfish and at their ages, should know better. Surely they want both parents to be happy? It does need to be sorted out, you can't go on like this, it's not fair on you or your kids and I'm sure your patience is running out. Were you the reason he left their mother or had he left already? Either way, his kids at 19 and 25 should be mature enough to hear the truth from their parents as to why their relationship failed (within reason !!) Also, is she or has she been in any relationships since they parted? If she hasn't, that might explain a lot. I really do hope it works out for you.
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Re: What is acceptable
posted at 2/6/2008 12:24 PM GDT
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First post: 1/5/2008
Last post: 27/6/2008 Total posts: 34 |
My parents split up when my brother was 24, I was 21 and my sister was 18. It took a long while to accept what he did and the hurt he caused. I think you are being a bit unfair telling them to grow up. Everyone copes in different ways. My father treated my mother terribly and lied about having an affair and so naturally we took her side. In fact my brother has still not fully forgiven my father and it is now 20 years since. We meet up with him and his new wife a couple of times a year and it is quite pleasant but my brother will get out of it if he can. You might just have to still give it time. |
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Re: What is acceptable
posted at 2/6/2008 1:00 PM GDT
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First post: 16/5/2008
Last post: 19/11/2009 Total posts: 70 |
My parents split up when my brother was 24, I was 21 and my sister was 18. It took a long while to accept what he did and the hurt he caused. I think you are being a bit unfair telling them to grow up. Everyone copes in different ways. My father treated my mother terribly and lied about having an affair and so naturally we took her side.In fact my brother has still not fully forgiven my father and it is now 20 years since. We meet up with him and his new wife a couple of times a year and it is quite pleasant but my brother will get out of it if he can.You might just have to still give it time. Posted by annie1403 The big difference here Annie is that my partner was separated when we got together and we did not have an affair. What I need help with is how I deal to him going home to his wife and kids and pretending I don't exist. |
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posted at 2/6/2008 1:37 PM GDT
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First post: 1/5/2008
Last post: 27/6/2008 Total posts: 34 |
Well that is different then, sorry didn't see that. What does your partner say? I take it he knows how upset you are about it? My aunt got divorced and then remarried and both her ex and her current husband go to family gatherings etc together so it can be done. The trouble with older children is that they (we) are more set in our ways and find change difficult. I would have thought it would have been easier to accept if the parents had already split up before you were on the scene. I think your partner needs to put a lot more effort into getting them to accept you. I wish you luck. |
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Re: What is acceptable
posted at 2/6/2008 2:21 PM GDT
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First post: 29/4/2008
Last post: 5/6/2008 Total posts: 34 |
The big difference here Annie is that my partner was separated when we got together and we did not have an affair. What I need help with is how I deal to him going home to his wife and kids and pretending I don't exist. Posted by Plop Hi again Plop, do you know for sure that he pretends you don't exist? And how do you know? I'm trying to see it from all sides. I have a friend going through a similar thing but the eldest child is 18 years old and is coming round to the idea. Once his kids saw how happy he was, they changed their minds completely. Is it worth trying to invite your partner's kids round for an informal meal? Have you spoken to them at all in the 2 years that you and your partner have been together. What's the age difference between your kids and his? I keep coming round to your partner though ........ maybe there's some issue with his ex re health or her emotional state of mind which makes him reluctant to talk about you? I don't know, so many things I could write but not enough room !! I can give you my email address if you want me to bore you some more !! |
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Re: What is acceptable
posted at 2/6/2008 2:33 PM GDT
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First post: 29/4/2008
Last post: 5/6/2008 Total posts: 34 |
My parents split up when my brother was 24, I was 21 and my sister was 18. It took a long while to accept what he did and the hurt he caused. I think you are being a bit unfair telling them to grow up. Everyone copes in different ways. My father treated my mother terribly and lied about having an affair and so naturally we took her side.In fact my brother has still not fully forgiven my father and it is now 20 years since. We meet up with him and his new wife a couple of times a year and it is quite pleasant but my brother will get out of it if he can.You might just have to still give it time. Posted by annie1403 Hey Annie, I'm sorry this happened to you when you were younger and I totally understand why you posted this reply. I think honesty is always the best policy in the breakdown of any relationship but especially where kids are involved. We try to protect their feelings but we don't seem to realise that they know more than we think they do. If we're not open and honest, kids will make up their own minds and the lack of understanding can have devastating effects which they could carry with them for years not to mention what it could do to the relationship with each parent. |
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What is acceptable
posted at 2/6/2008 3:56 PM GDT
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First post: 28/4/2008
Last post: 6/2/2009 Total posts: 37 |
For what it's worth I spent two years with a man who told me he was separated from his wife and getting a divorce. I knew he had children and grandchildren but I never got to meet any of them. He used to come to my house all the time - I very rarely went to his. When I went to his house after a gap of some 6 months, he had a photo of his wife on the dresser! In the ensuing fall out it turned out that he wasn't separated at all! He had to go where the work was and his wife would not leave her home town and her elderly mother! When he said he was going to look after his elderly mother he was actually on holiday with his wife! I didn't think I was the type to be duped, but I fell for that one hook line and sinker. Be very careful. If you have a proper relationship he should be proud to acknowledge you and your life together. Nuff said ATW |
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What is acceptable
posted at 3/6/2008 11:41 AM GDT
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First post: 1/5/2008
Last post: 27/6/2008 Total posts: 34 |
I did wonder actually whether your partner enjoys still having a 'relationship' of sorts with his ex-wife? I'm sure my dad would have liked that, he was in denial that he'd done anything wrong and couldn't work out why my mum was so upset. I was also going to ask if you'd had them over to dinner etc. My dad's wife played it very safe and was not too over the top with us which helped. |
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